50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know: Religion Read online

  Copyright © 2011 Daniele Bolelli

  Published by The Disinformation Company Ltd.

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  Library of Congress Control Number: 2011940996

  eISBN : 978-1-934-70876-7

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  The opinions and statements made in this book are those of the authors; the publisher has not verified any of their statements, theories or conclusions and no warranty or fitness is implied. The publisher shall have no liability or responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage arising from the information contained in this book or from the use thereof or reliance thereon.

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  01 ZEN AND THE ART OF CHOPPING YOUR ENEMIES’ HEADS OFF

  02 THE FILTHY LITTLE ATHEIST … FOUNDING FATHER

  03 THE TAO OF BEING IN JAIL: HOW THE TAO TE CHING WAS CREATED

  04 THE DISTURBING AND UNLIKELY MARRIAGE BETWEEN ISRAEL AND CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS

  05 SEX, SAKE AND ZEN

  06 BANZAI!

  07 THANK YOU GOD FOR KILLING MY ENEMIES’ CHILDREN

  08 DEADLY ALLITERATION: MOSES THE MASS MURDERER

  09 HOW A FAILED SIEGE SHAPED THE HISTORY OF RELIGIONS

  10 FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN? I’D LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY PET KING COBRA

  11 MAMMOTH PORN AND THE CAVEMAN’S HIP HOP: THE ORIGINS OF RELIGION

  12 WE LOVE FREEDOM OF RELIGION … EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF THOSE STUPID RELIGIONS ...

  13 TO BEAT OR NOT TO BEAT (YOUR WOMEN): THAT IS THE QUESTION

  14 THE DAY GOD STOPPED BEING A RACIST

  15 PISS-DRINKING, DRUGGIE PRIESTS CREATED HINDUISM

  16 STEALING IN THE NAME OF GOD

  17 ORGIES FOR JESUS

  18 BEING A JEWISH MESSIAH IS NOT AS FUN AS ADVERTISED

  19 IF YOU ARE POOR, IT’S BECAUSE GOD HATES YOUR GUTS

  20 CRAZY WISDOM, LAKOTA-STYLE

  21 A LAWFUL, ISLAMIC MARRIAGE … THAT LASTS AN HOUR

  22 ENLIGHTENED RELIGIOUS POLICIES AND MASS MURDER

  23 BILL CLINTON HATES MASTURBATION AND OTHER TALES

  24 WHY WOULD A YOUNG IRISH CATHOLIC WOMAN TEAR UP A PICTURE OF THE POPE ON ...

  25 THE TRIAL OF THE ZOMBIE POPE

  26 KILL THE BUDDHA

  27 HOW TO GET MONEY AND SEX BY STARTING A RELIGIOUS CULT

  28 HEIL JESUS!

  29 BUDDHIST FUNDAMENTALISM?!?

  30 FREE SPEECH AND ITS ENEMIES

  31 SAINT AUGUSTINE LOVED HOOKERS

  32 BIBLE PORN

  33 ONE BRIDE FOR FIVE BROTHERS

  34 THE GODFATHER OF CHRISTIANITY

  35 THE SLAVE OWNER’S BEST FRIEND: THE BIBLE

  36 TAO IS THE SHIT

  37 WHY A PAGAN EMPEROR WAS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO CHRISTIANS

  38 GOD’S HIT MAN

  39 IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)

  40 TELETUBBIES ARE GAY (AND GOD HATES THEM)

  41 THE SHRINE OF HYPOCRISY

  42 MY GOD HAS BIGGER BALLS THAN YOURS: THE GOSPEL OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER

  43 HORSES, NIETZSCHE AND THE DESTINY OF THE WORLD

  44 I NEED A HOOKER, SO LET’S GO TO THE TEMPLE

  45 IF YOU ARE TOO STUPID FOR TAOISM, YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY CONFUCIANISM

  46 JOHN LOCKE AND THE LIMITS OF TOLERANCE

  47 GOD WEARS DRAGON ROBES AND WANTS YOU TO KICK CONFUCIUS’S ASS

  48 GOOD CHRISTIANS DEVOUTLY FOLLOW JEWISH LAWS AND THE OLD TESTAMENT… EXCEPT ...

  49 RELIGION WITHOUT RELIGION

  50 WHY CAN’T WE MOVE THE STATE OF ISRAEL TO PARAGUAY?

  FURTHER READING

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  To Elizabeth Han:

  In over a decade by your side I have known more happiness and more pain than most mortals could ever dream possible. Our love kicked open the gates of heaven for me. And it thrust me in the deepest pits of hell. Given the chance, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Being with you has meant tasting life to the fullest, since you are/were too damn intense to have it any other way.

  Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world is more beautiful than your laughter. From the second I met you to when you died in my arms, you were the beating heart of my universe. My passion for you knows no bounds. In this life or in any another, you are my love.

  To Isabella Han Bolelli:

  If it weren't for you, I may not have survived all the heartbreak that a fucked up destiny has decided to throw my way. But you are my hero, baby girl. Your one-year-old smile chases away all the horror, and gives me the strength to move mountains. From the moment you skydived out of your mother's womb into my arms, you have been my reason for living. Looking into your beautiful eyes inspires me to be the best human being I can possibly be. And let's not forget that every one of your burps makes this world a better place.

  To Gloria Mattioni:

  My fellow samurai, you taught me how to love and how to kill. Whenever the doors of hell break open, and hordes of demons come out of it screaming my name, all I need in my corner is you.

  To Franco Bolelli:

  No one has ever loved me more than you have, and no one ever will. You are my sun, my home, my oxygen. My notoriously verbose self is at a loss to find words doing justice to how much you mean to me. You are the earth under my feet. You are my blood and my very bones.

  To the one and only Zina Bolelli.

  To the memory of Marina Mattioni.

  A big thank you to those who selflessly rushed to Elizabeth's side when she was fighting for her life: Marlon Mercado, Geshe Lobsang Tsultrim, Jose Camacho, Sumati Bonsai, Bryan Kest, Belle Andrade and Annie Esposito.

  Thank you to my partners in crime: Emilie Nguyen, Julio Perez, Rick Tucci, Michele Dalai, Tom & Alexa Robbins, Thaddeus Russell, Mike V., Giancarlo Serafino (I’m still very, very sorry about breaking your nose …), Ale Rossi (I’m not that sorry about breaking your ribs …), Anthony Formoso, Tim Lopez/ Brian Carr/Eddie Martinez and everyone at CSULB BJJ, Will Ford, Brenda De River, Adonis Puentes, Alex Rueda, Shawn Brennan, Li Schroeder, Gary and Ralph at Disinformation, Lorenzo Cherubini, Tatiana Molinar, Jason Yaselli, Joseph and Elizabeth Morales, Joey Calmer, Luciano Palermi, Rachael Pugh, Melinda Martinez and Jorge Ojeda, Amy and Wes Tang, Kriszanne Napalan, Dee, Roberto Bonomelli and Lory, John Evans, Scott Czerniak, Roberto Banchini and his tribe, Francesca Fogar, Giorgio Presca, Jenaveve Jolie, Jeff Hendricks, Shannon Seta, Barbara Bersche, Federico Giordano, Cavan Cox, Daniel Guedea, Jack Clark, Jack Carter, Liezel Legaspi, Litty and Melkon, Emily and Jamie Ludovise, Axel Hernandez and Adriana Yanez, Mike Esposito and Michaela, Diana and Jeff Gordon, the Andrade clan (Jonathan, Dan, April, Lisa and Matthew,) Maria Ramas, Bruno Dorella, Aronne dell’Oro, Rocco Attisani, John Torres, Troy Johnson, Nancy Quam-Wickham, Viva Guerrero, Chris and Lynn Stiles, Jane Dabel and Harvey Stromberg.

  INTRODUCTION

  Religion is one of the big taboo topics that many people are terrified to touch: too afraid that others will question their religious loyalties and just as afraid to step on the minefield that is the overhyped sensitivity of some believers.

  And this is precisely why it is so much fun to talk about it.

  People, after all, live and die in the names of religious v
alues, so the stakes of what we are playing with couldn't be any higher. And yet, few fields can make many human beings as unwilling to face the evidence as religion. It is exactly because these ideas are so central to their lives that they don't want anyone to plant doubts in their minds.

  If this is you—if you are afraid of tackling contradictions, if you believe that without blind faith you would be prey to senselessness and desperation, if dealing with complexity sends you running for the reassuring arms of dogma—then this book is not for you. It will confuse you, anger you and ruin your digestion.

  But if you feel like taking a weird, dangerous journey through world religions and running into some of the very odd characters populating them—if you have a taste for paradox and think that questioning authority should be an Olympic sport—then hop on board. I had a hell of a lot of fun writing this book. If you can have at least half as much fun reading it, I’ll be happy.

  AUTHOR’S NOTE:

  To those readers who wish to contact me, [email protected] is my e-mail address. Depending on the number of messages that will come my way, it is very likely that I will not be able to reply with long, thoughtful answers since I still enjoy having a life away from the computer screen. But what I do promise is that I will reply with at least a quick note to let you know I appreciated reading your message. If you do not receive a reply within a week, it means I never received your e-mail.

  01 ZEN AND THE ART OF CHOPPING YOUR ENEMIES’ HEADS OFF

  One of the key principles that good, old Buddha constantly emphasized was non-injury: making every effort to avoid causing pain to any sentient being—whether they be other humans, or animals, or anything in between.

  During much of Japanese history, the samurai trained day in and day out to become more effective at slicing and dicing their opponents on the battlefield. The punch line in this is that most of them were devout Buddhists. Yeah, … I know … nothing screams Buddhist compassion like making a living by decapitating your enemies…

  So, the obvious question is: why would warriors be attracted to a non-violent religion like Zen Buddhism in the first place?

  The answer is simple. Well, kind of … if the samurai could just conveniently overlook the pesky pacifist piece of Buddhist theology just mentioned, Zen could actually help them tremendously in battle! Still not clear how that works? No problem. Here we go: the odd path that turns this particular school of Buddhism into a weapon for professional killers goes something like this.

  The most terrifying emotion that anyone about to go to war has to come to terms with is fear—the sheer terror that the prospect of death, dismemberment, and crippling injuries inevitably produces. Paralyzing fear under these circumstances is natural for anyone who doesn't have a death wish but, paradoxically, it makes the likelihood of getting killed much higher. It is difficult, in fact, to be effective on the battlefield when fear leaves you breathless, with your muscles frozen stiff, and hardly able to move. Entering a sword fight in this physiological state all but ensures that your head will be saying goodbye to the rest of your body rather quickly, since you will not be able to fight to the best of your abilities. The riddle of fear is that it attracts precisely what scares you most. As professional warriors, the samurai knew well how lethal fear could be. But this is where Zen could come to the rescue.

  Zen training, after all, is all about quieting the mind, being in the moment with no thoughts of the past or the future, accepting things as they are, mastering one's emotions, and abandoning all attachments. And all these ingredients mixed together offer the perfect antidote to fear. Being able to remain emotionally unmoved when death comes knocking on your door is no easy feat, but can be just as essential for a warrior as mastery of fighting tactics and techniques. Once free from fear, a samurai could fight just as he had trained, without losing precious fractions of seconds due to the excess baggage of tense muscles and shallow breathing.

  This is how one of the most peaceful religions in the world ended up being part of the arsenal of the Japanese warrior class. So, bring on a steady diet of Zen meditation! We've got enemies to kill.

  02 THE FILTHY LITTLE ATHEIST … FOUNDING FATHER

  The story of his life is richer and weirder than any fiction. Among his close friends were visionary poets such as William Blake as well as political icons like Benjamin Franklin. Napoleon slept with his books by his pillow, and told him statues of gold should be erected to him in every city in the universe (but the admiration was not reciprocated). Thomas Edison believed him to be one of the most brilliant minds in human history. Some of his writings rank among the greatest bestsellers of the 18th century. He participated in the two revolutions (the American and the French) that changed the political face of the modern world. During the American Revolution, George Washington used his writings to inspire his troops to remember what they were fighting for, and even suggested that no other individual had done more for the cause of American independence. John Adams stated that without his pen, Washington's military victories would have been in vain. In France, the revolutionaries invited him to join the National Convention in charge of drafting a new constitution. His unconditional love for freedom, however, made him allergic to “revolutionary” totalitarianism just as much as he was opposed to monarchic totalitarianism. So, Robespierre and his proto-fascist cronies had him arrested and sentenced to death. But the blade of the guillotine missed the date with his neck thanks to a mistake by the jailer in delivering condemned prisoners. Before the mistake was fixed, a future American president, James Monroe, intervened on his behalf and had him rescued. And another president, Thomas Jefferson, personally offered him political asylum.

  The man we are speaking of is Thomas Paine.

  Even though his name is relatively well known, it is not nearly as celebrated as one may imagine given such a wild, intense existence, and such a deep impact on history. Paine was after all the man who came up with the terms “United States of America,” and is credited by many to be the ideological father of modern democracy. So why is his face not on the dollar bills? Why is he not hanging out with Jefferson & co. on Mt. Rushmore? Why is he not given his due among the greatest American heroes?

  Paine's problem is that he didn't die in 1792. Had he done that, his place among the pantheon of beloved founding fathers would have been assured. But instead he lived, and wrote another book entitled The Age of Reason. The result? By the time he actually died in 1809, only six people attended his funeral. The most repeated of his obituaries by the newspapers read, “he had lived long, did some good and much harm.” His supporters found themselves under relentless attacks. Thomas Jefferson's political opponents had a field day using over and over his friendship with Paine against him. Abraham Lincoln's friends burned a booklet he had written, in which he defended Paine's ideas, for fear that this would irreparably ruin his reputation. Over a hundred years after Paine's death, Theodore Roosevelt still referred to him as a “filthy little atheist.”

  What exactly was it about The Age of Reason that transformed Paine into a ghost among the founding fathers? Why did he turn overnight from popular hero into a hated villain? It's because the man took on organized religion with a furor, in an age when doing so was neither fashionable nor conducive to good health.

  As he wrote, “I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. All national institutions of churches … appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.”

  When he had composed passionate defenses of freedom against political tyranny, the masses had loved him. But now that he had composed a passionate defense of freedom against religious tyranny, they hated him. Paine hadn't changed. It's simply that his audience was much readier to attack political rather than religious institutions. But for Paine tyranny was tyranny regardless which adjective
was attached to it. To him, sworn enemies like the king of England and Robespierre, the pope and Martin Luther were but different faces of the same evil. Whether they called themselves monarchists or revolutionaries, Catholics or Protestants, whether they indulged in inquisitions or guillotines, didn't matter much since they were all equally addicted to totalitarianism. The Age of Reason was Paine's declaration of war against the religious dogmatism that had squashed individual liberties over the centuries.

  The fame of being a godless atheist followed Paine like a shadow forever afterwards. But the punch line in all of this is that Paine was anything but an atheist. It was precisely because he believed in God that he despised organized religions since—in his view—these turned the divine mystery into bad mythology, and projected onto God their own psychotic hopes and fears. In Paine's brand of freedom-loving spirituality, God was something greater than any religion. And this was the belief that cost Paine his place of honor among the founding fathers.

  03 THE TAO OF BEING IN JAIL: HOW THE TAO TE CHING WAS CREATED